I often encounter situations where inmates say silly things…well, they also do silly things. Here a few of my favorites silly things they have done:
How to Light Cigarettes – Do Not Attempt at Home
Previously, I’ve noted the ingenuity of inmates using batteries and light switches to ignite cigarettes…but this one just failed. A few days ago, one inmate found a cigarette and tried to figure out how to light it. Lacking the knowledge of common inmate hacks, he placed the cigarette in a microwave in hopes that the microwave would light the end of it. It did light…the entire cigarette and burnt it up. Why this guy thought the end of the cigarette would magically combust into a smokable flame is beyond anyone’s understanding.
Itching for No More
While in-transit, inmates must wear cringy, old clothes: a tee shirt, thin boxers, holey socks, baggy pants, and slipper shoes. When arriving to a new location, the clothes are swapped for a “clean” set. Let’s just say, the clothing doesn’t always get properly washed – yuck. After a week in FTC Oklahoma, I discovered after a shower that I had the onset of jock itch in the nether-regions. I was mortified, and I mentioned it to a few other guys. Everyone had it, which is simply nasty that we got it from wearing unclean clothing. One guy had just bought anti-itch cream from the 5-item commissary list. He offered the cream to another guy but requested that he not take the tube from the room. Normally, one is assumed to put a little dab of the cream on a finger to take back to your room to apply. This particular inmate failed to understand the directive and just applied the cream in the same room where a few guys were…to his credit, the tube never left the room, but the image of that incident had permanently caused retinal damage on the others.
Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Tongue
After all family/friends’ visits, officers pat down all inmates to ensure no contraband had been smuggled into the campus during the visit. A lucky few will be randomly subjected to a “visual inspection,” which means strip down to the birthday suit. During visual inspection, each article of clothing is removed piece by piece. Once full Monty, the officers will scan the body for any spots to hide contraband. They instruct the vulnerable victim to lift their genitals, turn around and spread their buttocks, then squat and cough (typically this is the most humiliating part of the inspection). An experienced felon had won the luck of the draw. After stripping and conducting the “spread ’em and squat” routine, he turned around and was instructed to hold out his tongue, so the officer could make sure that no foreign object was in his mouth. The inmate complied with all the commands. Upon dressing, he asked the officer, “Why do you make me hold my tongue with my fingers after they’ve been on my privates?” Without a flinch, the officer quipped, “When we instruct a guy to hold out his tongue, he just sticks his tongue out. He doesn’t grab his tongue with his fingers. You’re the first guy I’ve seen do it.” Humiliation was the only thing he took back with him.
A hAIRy Forecast
One random sunny, windy day, I sat outside enjoying the weather with the company of another inmate. During our conversation, another inmate walked up to the bench and placed some items on it. The man proceeded to remove his shirt, which is not unusual when it’s hot outside. After hanging his shirt over the bench, he picked up an electric shaver, stepped about 3 feet away from the bench, and began to manscape his wooly hirsute chest. Within seconds, clumps of gray hairs swirled in the air. The wind gusted directly at my comrade on the bench, while the clumps danced all around him. Eventually these hairs found rest on his bald head…eww. The concept of boundaries was clearly lacking with this fellow, who continued to shave away. No fights ensued, but strongly admonishing words were directed toward the oblivious shaver.
Thank you for taking the time to check-in and hopefully be somewhat entertained by these antics. I cannot stress how much I appreciate your support and the continued encouragement. I hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful week. Continue to be mindful of any little miracle in your life this week 🙂