If, by chance, you should happen to mix coffee creamer, cheese (any kind), sugar, and a splash of lemon juice together for about 10 minutes, then you’d have the filling of a cheesecake filling. Oh, you need a crust? Just smash up a bag of a generic brand of Honey Grahams cereal, add a pinch of water, and viola a crust. Lay out the crust in a plastic bowl, fill it with the creamy mixture, and place on a pile of ice for 2-3 hours! Tada, Cheesecake. For added flavors, scrounge up some Crystal Light mix or fresh fruit. Is the final product delicious? Heck, I don’t know. I’ve never tried the stuff but have seen plenty of attempted cheesecakes. Usually the “cheesecake” is oozing like bad whipped cream and a crumbly crust. The stuff looks like melted ice cream on cereal. Watching guys take a block of cheese (commonly called government cheese since no refrigeration is required) and grate it up using a piece of metal or plastic with holes drilled in to act as a grater does not wet my palate. On some occasions, you might find a few packages of squeezable cream cheese (again no refrigeration required) to add to the grated cheese – yum.
A few months ago I mentioned “cooking” or the alternative to eating food in the dining hall in this blog. After 10 months, I have not succumbed to any desire to “cook” or try any of the culinary delectable recipes. Here are just a few of the popular ones:
Pizza: Take a loaf of bread (which is usually gathering extra slices of bread from lunch) or flour tortillas and add water to them. Using your hands, mash the bread and water together until you have a doughy substance, and shape your pizza crust on a piece of cardboard (usually from the trash of a discarded box). Then, add pizza sauce on the doughy cardboard (which is available at our general store) and top the sauce with grated government cheese and cut-up pieces of meat logs made from turkey or beef. Oh, a meat log is basically a large Slim-Jim filled with enough sodium to meet your monthly dietary intake 🙂 When your pizza is finally prepared, find a “cooking iron” which is an iron designated for cooking and not clothes. Using a piece of wax paper, as a buffer between the iron and the pizza, begin cooking by moving the iron around every 5 minutes until the pizza ready, which takes about 45 minutes. Then, slice the pizza and share with your friends!
Burritos: All the ingredients have been covered from the previous two recipes: flour tortilla, cheese, chopped meat log. Pack the tortilla with all the ingredients or even used leftovers from the dinner and shape the burrito. Cook it just like the pizza – using the iron and wax paper. Some “chefs” are clever and combine burritos to create an super long burrito like the 5 foot Subway subs. The largest burrito that I’ve seen was probably 3 feet long.
Nacho Bowl: Take a bag of Doritos, empty it into a bowl, top with grated cheese, scatter a chopped meat log, and a use leftover salsa taken from the dining hall using an old peanut butter jar. In an earlier post, I mentioned cooking using a stinger, which is a make-shift device that plugs into an outlet and brings water to a boil. Using a plastic garbage bag, cover the bowl and submerge it into a clean mop bucket filled with water. Plug in the stinger, and 45 minutes later…appetizing Nacho Supreme!
To make the entire culinary world-class, the “chefs” wear disposable cleaning gloves to prep the food; otherwise the nonuse of gloves will become a point of ridicule and disgust. Also, rinse the mop bucket out with bleach before using water to cook… Oh, do not clean the iron since the wax paper is enough to keep it clean. Unlike the timeless debate of whether to use soap or not on a cast iron skillet, the iron is rarely cleaned. When cooking with an iron, do not use steam – that is what the stinger is for, duh!
After 10 months of my prison journey, I have not indulged in cooking and have zero desire to try any of these dishes. I am happy with the incredible 3 healthy meals that I eat daily. I have noticed that many of the guys that cook gain weight or are often visiting medical services to have their blood pressure monitored. My journey has been going quickly, but I remain entire grateful to food, shelter, and ability to contribute to the prison community. I am very blessed and humbled by the continued support of love and generosity from so many of you. Keep looking for those little miracles 🙂