Today marks my third full month of incarceration. This journey has been incredibly dichotomous: difficult yet renewing. Over the past three months, I have deliberately focused my perspective to be optimistic for hope in justice and opportunistic for my personal growth and reform. I hope that many of the blog entries helped to capture much of the positivity and hopefulness that I have experienced. Many moments have not been glittery or so upbeat. I am still in a prison. Most regrettably, I could not be present for many celebratory moments with family and friends, especially during the holidays and other notable situations, like the passing of my pup, Hank, and routines of just paying the bills. One of the most challenging periods had been my first month in this college! I did not have substantial clothing for the super-freeze that Morgantown experienced in late November, which was one of the coldest experiences in my life. I often think back to the generosity, care, love, and support that outpoured during this time. I was fortunate enough to buy some clothes to keep me warm with well-maintained housing and delicious food.
Mostly, I do not let difficult moments overshadow me, which is debilitating to my overall energy level. I reflected on the importance of recognizing those miraculous incidents that may easily recess into the bleakness of the daily grind. The struggle of being in prison is not one that I wish upon any good person, and I have it much easier than others incarcerated in more traditional prisons. The absence of loved ones has been unbelievably dismal. I often think back to actually being in college or being away from my family and friends for a substantial period of time, like when I moved to Columbus and Washington, D.C. The poignant difference between those absences for me is the freedom to choose. I could chose to visit or participate in a family event. I could chose to drive and meet up with a friend for coffee or a beer. I could chose to relax on the couch to binge on Netflix or spontaneously venture to some warm beach. Unfortunately, I made other choices in my life that resulted in a true imprisonment of losing these opportunities and not having the ability to choose.
Today, being St. Valentine’s Day, is a stark reminder that I cannot be present for Drew. Prior to my incarceration, I had spent over 7 years physically present with Drew – nearly on a daily basis. The everyday routines and ability to be a co-provider are now temporarily absent. While my prison journey has been focused on rehabilitation, the truest punishment and harshest reality is being away/absent from Drew, being away/absent from family and friends, which is quite sobering from the idyllic perspective that I chose to share throughout my journey. I could not send a simple Valentine’s Day card, since the store here ran out of stamps over the past few weeks…these moments are humbling to be so distant yet reliant on a dysfunctional system. The limitations and difficulties are purely awful to experience, but unfortunately, they must be experienced for prison to be effective! I am indebted to the generosity and moments of kindness and love expressed from letters to photos to phone calls (whenever those a possible) to visits! I remain focused and dedicated to making this journey enduringly worthwhile as time to grow to be a better human person… Thank you to everyone who has been supportive, forgiving, kind, loving, generous, supporting, and open-minded to my weekly rants 🙂
In a brief weekly update, my band practice has been going well. Work in electric has been steady. The meals remain above par, especially the dinner we had for the Super Bowl: 8 spicy BBQ wings, chili nachos, pulled BBQ chicken, BBQ potato chips, sweet coleslaw, and an array of sweet drinks (iced-tea, lemonade, etc.). The weather remains temperate for February and even a few days above 50 degrees with sun! Have a wonderful week and don’t forget to keep an eye out on those little miracles!