Week 11 – Solitary Contentment

In the last few weeks, the Catholic Church experienced the deaths of two significant leaders, both of whom are either hailed as heralds of doctrinal truths or deduced as tyrants of institutionalized conservativism. Of course,
pope emeritus, Benedict XVI, was one of these prolific individuals, but the other…Cardinal George Pell. In some nuanced twist, I aligned my legal debacle with that of Cardinal Pell’s as being targeted and abandoned by the
Church he dedicated his life to. He was the foremost leader of the Catholic Church in Australia and later appointed by Pope Francis to oversee the economic affairs of the Vatican after that department experienced a
series of scandals (which are still being investigated). Known for his influence and vocalizing a conservative approach to Catholic orthodoxy, Cardinal Pell’s position polarized many Catholics in Australia. Once Pope Francis
promoted him to the high position in the Vatican, he was charged, tried, and found guilty of crimes pertaining to child sex abuse. However, he successfully appealed his charges that Australia’s version of the Supreme Court
found were completely manufactured. He was considered to be targeted by a corrupt legal system.
While fighting his appeal, Cardinal Pell spent over 400 days in solitary confinement, which is a horrific experience. Solitary confinement at best isolates individuals for about 23.5 hours per day, in a small enclosed cell. The 2-in-1 toilet-sink, consumption of food, sleeping, and waking hours are all spent in complete isolation, or solitude as Cardinal Pell approached it. He journaled during his experience and later published three books solely based on the journal entries. Cardinal Pell maintained his faith and endured through one of the most difficult
human experiences of being abandoned in a cell. Solitary confinement is often argued as a need for a safety and security of incarcerated criminals who may be targeted for their crime or be a risk even to the prison population.
Cardinal Pell’s case was highly publicized, so he became a target and needed to be placed in solitary confinement to ensure safety of his life. Contrary to this rationale of safekeeping, solitary confinement acts as a punishment to intimidate and scare an individual through psychological torture of aloneness.
In his three books, Cardinal Pell reflected on this experience of psychological torment and his prayful disposition to remain faithful. Throughout his experience, the media and his own peers berated his reputation – he was
labeled guilty of crimes before he was even tried. Oddly, Pope Francis remained (mostly) quiet on the matter but often hinted that he thought the allegations to be wrong. Once exonerated from his prison sentence, Cardinal Pell became quite outspoken against social issues that he viewed as weakening the faith. He even appeared to have a grudge on his shoulder for not really speaking as positively as he once had about Pope Francis. He was calling for future papal leadership to lead much like Benedict XVI had done. I personally have a glimpse into this type of
mindset…being abandoned by loved ones, friends, and fellow Catholics throughout legal affairs, which is not the way of the cross.
In the past 11 weeks of being incarcerated, I did not experience the psychological torment that Cardinal Pell captured in his books, but I understand scrutiny of reputation, emotional isolation, and solace in faith. Recently, I
spoke with a fellow Catholic inmate, and he shared that he missed the High Mass. The High Mass is the pre-Vatican II way that the Catholic Mass was celebrated…The priest said the Mass in Latin, used tons of incense, and mysterious rang bells while his back was to the congregation! During this conversation, my fellow inmate
shared how he missed the traditions and rigid ways (his words) and how the moral decay of society has been overflowing into the Church. While I merely listened to his plight, I have dumbfoundly heard this argument several times during the past few weeks from other guys. I am bewildered by the moral soapbox that incarcerated guys proclaim their knowledge on how to fix society (of course minus the crime that they have been punished for…such as legalization of all narcotics, the rights for felons to own firearms, and such). Perhaps, I am not much better in
some of the entries that I have shared (even this one). I am not professing full innocence or condoning a return to the old ways. However, I am observing and reflecting on a substantial divide, not just in society, but within the
Catholic Church too.
For example, as a Christmas gift, my mom subscribed me to the National Catholic Register (NCR would be like FoxNews), which is a bi-monthly newspaper that I requested to know what is going on with Catholic news. In its 30 pages of print, the NCR rarely mentions any workings of Pope Francis – the current leader of the Catholic Church. Many people praise Pope Francis and his moderate to pastoral acceptance of others, while others loathe his approach and believe that he is slowly dismantling the traditions of the Catholic Church. As I began reading
the articles published in NCR and reflecting on the conversation I had with the fellow inmate about a return to Catholic orthodoxy, it seems ever too clear that the Catholic Church has a bit of a divisiveness among itself.
Inevitably, opinions and interpretations coexist; yet, I have observed a clear divide among practicing Catholics:
marriage equality, pro-life (abortion, end-of-life choice), and so many other social topics vary on opinions and theological (mis)understanding. For clarity, I consider myself to be a moderate Catholic. Yes, the Catholic Church
provides moral guidance and structured ways to live the Christian life, but its foundations are blueprints for salvation – to be reunited with God by acting in love, forgiveness, and charity! I appreciate the praise and worship that Vatican II promoted in the Catholic faith that is used in today’s typical Mass, and I find comfort in the traditions that bring people closer to understanding God. Now, I use the lens of my prison experience to acknowledge that I broke societal laws, and I take full ownership in doing so. God knows my heart, my actions,
and my intentions.
Like Cardinal Pell, many have quickly judged me, yet I am guilty and he was innocent. Rarely is someone completely innocent of an accused crime. Also, like Cardinal Pell, I have had time to reflect and really examine my own conscience in light of the Catholic faith and societal acceptances. Often, I find that people have firm stances on issues out of intimidation and fear. We need the voices of Cardinal Pell and those who might challenge him to be heard and discerned in our own lives. We need the voices of Benedict XVI to help us reflect on our decisions and its effects on our faith. We need the opposition to our own opinions to make us better people…and not divided. Cardinal Pell’s death is met with mixed emotions; while I do not fully agree with his approach to Catholicism, I appreciate his message to challenge our common way of life and respect his fortitude of enduring public humiliation though he was proven to be innocent. I share this brief reflection in hope that others might take a moment to see how societal matters and controversial topics stir within the dwellings of their hearts.
Truly taking time to listening to those voices that we may not agree with, but listen for any truth and opportunity to grow in understanding. Cardinal Pell has done that for me, even before I began this prison journey. His experience helped me to know to remain faithful and remain steadfast – okay, enough about being preachy!
As a brief update for the past week, I have had a really great week. I continued to practice in a band, and I am being recruited to join a more formalized band (Geez, I could have never predicted this would be something I would be discussing about my prison experience). I have crocheted the body of a stuffed bear, which should be completed next week. The food continues to be great, and I received a few letters, which was quite a surprise (Thank you Teryn and Tiffany for highlighting my week with your amazing words of support)! And again focused on those
small miracles, I was approved with one year off my sentence for my participation in the recidivism program!! This is a huge deal for me – and I am quite grateful that this option was even afforded to me. I hope you all have a safe
and joy-filled week!