About 6 years ago, I wrote an alliterative jingle for my dog, Princess: “Perfectly proper Princess. Presides in palace of pleasure. Poised in popularity, she positively, poignantly perfect…ly.” The jingle repeats, like a never-ending song, which I certainly enjoyed playing on piano and singing anytime Drew thought she would misbehave. Today, my precious Princess crossed over the rainbow bridge after an aggressive cancer metastasized from her lungs to her brain causing a paralyzing seizure. While at peace and being held by Drew during her last hours, she knew she was loved. She had a marvelously spoiled 10+ years of life. She was adopted almost 10 years to the day from a DC-area non-profit, Big Fluffy Dog Rescue (obviously, she wasn’t fluffy). As a boxer-German short-haired pointer mix, she had her own incredible attributes, but one especially made her truly incredible…being perceptively and empathically attuned – she had intuition. She didn’t’ know her own strength many times and clearly thought she was a tiny lap dog. From excitable greetings of joy and licks to lounging on your legs while you watched television, her presence will certainly be missed and remembered daily, especially for “strolls.” We couldn’t use the word “walk” around her since it would entice her to run to the front door. Just last week, she used her honed skills to open the garbage can where you wave a hand over it (or a nose) and dug in for some delicious scraps. Last evening, she enjoyed her final evening “stroll” with Drew. She was bold, intelligent, demanding, mischievous, obediently stubborn, neurotically joyed, loyal, and, of course, purely loving.
Having a terrible day, she would be your comfort pillow, your positive ball of energy. Somehow she knew when you were having an off day and would just nudge her cold nose close to you to let you know that you’re not alone. She deserved to be spoiled…because it was almost impossible not to spoil her with her demanding attention and ever giving affection. As a puppy, she was a rambunctious fur-ball, who truly matured into an absolute amazingly refined canine 🙂 While I could not be present for her passing, Drew was with her during her last hours. He provided unbelievable support and love to her. I am so grateful to him for being able to have the strength to do this on his own. As I have hammered so many times, being in prison during these tragic life moments of experiencing loss and grief make them absolutely torturous. It is difficult to express grieving feelings here since prison isn’t a place for weeping or expressed emotions.
Last year, I read Prince Harry’s book, Spare, where he reflects on his inability to grieve for much of his life. At one point in his mid-twenties, he mentioned that he cried for the first time over the death of his mother, Diana. A prison environment is very much like those first 20-some years in Harry’s life, you can’t cry or show grieving emotions. I was able to call home from the prison phone and be placed on speaker phone, but I was speechless. I knew if I started talking to Princess for the last time, I would absolutely lose my mind and hysterically cry. When I said my goodbyes before coming to prison, I didn’t think it’d be my last time with her. Last month, Princess was diagnosed with cancer in her lungs and being treated for it. She’d been doing really well with the treatment until the life-altering seizure this morning. She will be missed and void felt until we are reunited!
Earlier this week, Trump was elected as the 47th President. This election was certainly turmoil, and I know so many Americans experienced a grief when Vice President Harris conceded, while the majority of the country celebrated. Selfishly, I’m focused on my family and rehabilitation for re-entry in society. Today invigorated my effort to focus on returning home as soon as possible…and be a citizen again. Thank you for taking the time to indulge my grief. I appreciate all your support and continued encouragement. Have a great week and be mindful of any little miracle in your life this week 🙂
